Bedtime is upon us. And I am starting to feel panic.
Panic that the girls will fight every step of the way.
Panic that I will not remain calm.
Panic that I will yell, and holler, and make us all miserable.
Over something as simple as going to sleep.
Currently the girls are enjoying being goofy with paper towels, dolls, and watching a show on Netflix.
They are so peaceful. And happy.
And I fear this will all end, like it does every night. In tears and yelling.
After they FINALLY fall into dreamland, I will be taking time to medicate my pains, and rest. While fibrosomnia keeps me awake. Knowing full well that the girls will take turns waking up every hour or two all night long.
I am feeling damn hopeless about the whole bedtime debacle. And how it seems to never get better. Only worse and worse each night. We have lived here for 3 weeks, and I am terrified the neighbors will end up complaining enough times, and we will be kicked out.
This is an honest fear of mine.
How do you explain bedtimes noise of this magnitude to someone who doesn't know these kids personally?
Monday, November 21, 2011
here goes nothing
dear future me.
you decided to start this specific blog to write your own shit down. an online journal as it were.
you wanted a space to type it all out and not feel like it HAD to be bottled up all the time.
you needed a space to breathe, and vent, and swear like a motherfucking sailor.
this is your space.
for you.
to BE.
hopefully you will have written lots of good stuff.
hopefully it wont all sound like garbled nonsense when you are reading back through your posts.
hopefully, typing it all will have been so cathartic for you, that you have now moved on to a new blog. a happier blog. a blog of perpetual joy and happy little singing bird trilling along to animated movies full of canned laughter and happy endings.
right now. you are bitter. and angry. and hurting. you are feeling hopeless, helpless, and on the verge of constant breakdown.
you are crying daily. you are having weekly anxiety attacks. you are on constant edge of feeling like the world is going to drop out from under you, or you will drown.
you are feeling like you also have to hold everyone else's head above water, or hold them back from the edge.
and as you look back on this first post, you will weep. and you will cry. and your heart will ache for the you that once was.
because, future me, you are happy, and joyful, and content. you are centered, balanced, and at peace. you find enjoyment in the things you tried so hard to avoid, and see the positives of every situation. your children are happy, your partner is happy, and you are a cohesive unit, not trying to rip itself apart.
future me, this is our first step.
you decided to start this specific blog to write your own shit down. an online journal as it were.
you wanted a space to type it all out and not feel like it HAD to be bottled up all the time.
you needed a space to breathe, and vent, and swear like a motherfucking sailor.
this is your space.
for you.
to BE.
hopefully you will have written lots of good stuff.
hopefully it wont all sound like garbled nonsense when you are reading back through your posts.
hopefully, typing it all will have been so cathartic for you, that you have now moved on to a new blog. a happier blog. a blog of perpetual joy and happy little singing bird trilling along to animated movies full of canned laughter and happy endings.
right now. you are bitter. and angry. and hurting. you are feeling hopeless, helpless, and on the verge of constant breakdown.
you are crying daily. you are having weekly anxiety attacks. you are on constant edge of feeling like the world is going to drop out from under you, or you will drown.
you are feeling like you also have to hold everyone else's head above water, or hold them back from the edge.
and as you look back on this first post, you will weep. and you will cry. and your heart will ache for the you that once was.
because, future me, you are happy, and joyful, and content. you are centered, balanced, and at peace. you find enjoyment in the things you tried so hard to avoid, and see the positives of every situation. your children are happy, your partner is happy, and you are a cohesive unit, not trying to rip itself apart.
future me, this is our first step.
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