here goes nothing

dear future me.
you decided to start this specific blog to write your own shit down. an online journal as it were.
you wanted a space to type it all out and not feel like it HAD to be bottled up all the time.
you needed a space to breathe, and vent, and swear like a motherfucking sailor.
this is your space.
for you.
to BE.
hopefully you will have written lots of good stuff.
hopefully it wont all sound like garbled nonsense when you are reading back through your posts.
hopefully, typing it all will have been so cathartic for you, that you have now moved on to a new blog. a happier blog. a blog of perpetual joy and happy little singing bird trilling along to animated movies full of canned laughter and happy endings.
right now. you are bitter. and angry. and hurting. you are feeling hopeless, helpless, and on the verge of constant breakdown.
you are crying daily. you are having weekly anxiety attacks. you are on constant edge of feeling like the world is going to drop out from under you, or you will drown.
you are feeling like you also have to hold everyone else's head above water, or hold them back from the edge.

and as you look back on this first post, you will weep. and you will cry. and your heart will ache for the you that once was.
because, future me, you are happy, and joyful, and content. you are centered, balanced, and at peace. you find enjoyment in the things you tried so hard to avoid, and see the positives of every situation. your children are happy, your partner is happy, and you are a cohesive unit, not trying to rip itself apart.

future me, this is our first step.